Onion-Style Humor

NJ Gov. Chris Christi “Upset” cast of Jersey Shore still standing after Hurricane Irene

New Jersey - Augus 28, 2011 - In a morning press conference on Hurricane Irene, which went over the Jersey coast over the weekend, Governor Chris Christi (R) said he wanted to assure residents that he will continue his efforts to get rid of the cast of Jersey Shore. “I know that everyone is upset. I‘m upset. I really thought we had a good shot at this.”

In the hours leading up to the storm, Christi had addressed New Jersey residents, “I want everyone to know that I have been fielding calls all day. The full resources of the state’s National Guard are at my disposal; police have been informed and the neighbors are watching. We are to making sure the cast of Jersey shore stays on that beach.” Later, Christi added, “The National Guard is outside the house now, and I have given them shoot to kill orders if those kids leave that house.”

Neighbor Al D'agostino explained, “Initially, some of us tried to enlighten [the cast members] about what was going on and get them to evacuate, but Snooki was so wasted that she kept hitting on anything that moved and The Situation just kept showing off his abs, even after we begged him to stop.” He added, “We finally decided we didn’t care if they were washed away.”

Troops watched the house all day, and the cast members stayed put. One soldier said “It was raining and the water was coming in and they didn’t seem to care, from what we could see, they just kept partying.” The National Guard entered the house this morning to waste-deep water and the sight of cast members passed out on a floating couch and pool chairs. Another Soldier said of the scene, “I drank a lot as a kid, but dear God, never this much.”

Upon hearing the news of the rowdy group’s survival, Christi and his wife were said to have burst into tears. “Buildings can be repaired, power lines fixed. But nothing seems to alleviate this problem. We will continue to look for solutions and hopefully find way to make them depart our fair state; but it’s going to be hard not to lose hope.”

When The Situation was finally awakened, he gazed blearily at the still cloudy sky and said, “Man we need to start working on our tans.”